From Cracked.com
The internet party:
Internet Party 2: The Intervention
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Trapped in the Dressing Room
So tonight I was doing a little shopping at Kohls. I was very disappointed by the fact that they currently seem to only carry clothes in my size that make me look like I'm five years old. I did manage to find a few things I liked, a few dresses, a couple tops. So I head over to the dressing room.
I try on the shirts first. The first one is a winner, very adorable, the next two, not so much. None of the dresses were winners. The worst part wasn't that the clothes didn't fit, oh no. It was that in the next dressing room over, there were four very loud, very annoying teenage girls. You read right, they're all in the same dressing room. One of the girls apparently has large breasts and can't wear halter tops. It's been a while since I've studied her particular teenage-body-issues dialect, but I think she blames her large breasts on skinny girls. Um... Sorry?
I finally excape from their brain-dead chatter and make another round through the racks. I've found a few more dresses and tops to try on, so I head back to the dressing rooms. I'm relieved to see that the gaggle of airheads has left the area.
I'm trying on the last dress when I hear a familiar voice in the next dressing room. Boobs, the Skinny Bitch Hater is back! She's even more annoying this time around because she's talking to people outside of the dressing room, so she's talking louder. It's painful. I just want to escape.
But I can't. I'm stuck in the dress. The zipper won't unzip. It's like a nightmare come true. I'm trapped in a small enclosed space listening to annoying teenagers deal with their body issues by contributing to mine.
There is only one person in the world that could possibly be interested in hearing about my predicament, so I decide to text Abby. However, apparently the secret to getting out of the dress is to bend down to reach for your phone. I threw my street clothes on as fast as possible and got my ass over to the shoe department.
I try on the shirts first. The first one is a winner, very adorable, the next two, not so much. None of the dresses were winners. The worst part wasn't that the clothes didn't fit, oh no. It was that in the next dressing room over, there were four very loud, very annoying teenage girls. You read right, they're all in the same dressing room. One of the girls apparently has large breasts and can't wear halter tops. It's been a while since I've studied her particular teenage-body-issues dialect, but I think she blames her large breasts on skinny girls. Um... Sorry?
I finally excape from their brain-dead chatter and make another round through the racks. I've found a few more dresses and tops to try on, so I head back to the dressing rooms. I'm relieved to see that the gaggle of airheads has left the area.
I'm trying on the last dress when I hear a familiar voice in the next dressing room. Boobs, the Skinny Bitch Hater is back! She's even more annoying this time around because she's talking to people outside of the dressing room, so she's talking louder. It's painful. I just want to escape.
But I can't. I'm stuck in the dress. The zipper won't unzip. It's like a nightmare come true. I'm trapped in a small enclosed space listening to annoying teenagers deal with their body issues by contributing to mine.
There is only one person in the world that could possibly be interested in hearing about my predicament, so I decide to text Abby. However, apparently the secret to getting out of the dress is to bend down to reach for your phone. I threw my street clothes on as fast as possible and got my ass over to the shoe department.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
When I was a girl, how the hills of Oconee made a seam to hem me in
Got back last night from a fantasticly wonderful vacation on Keowee Lake in Salem, SC (in Oconee County, if you're confused by my choice of subject line). It was a beatufil extra-long weekend full of fun, sun, freezing cold water, cocktails, and trivia challenges.
Lovely view of the lake off the veranda. That damn tree kinda blocks the view, though.
The ladies' bedroom. And by "ladies" I mean Emily, Abby, and myself. We're very ladylike, I assure you. No one slept on the top bunk. Doing so would have resulted in certain death.
Em and I slept here.
Living room. Many a trivia battle was waged in this space. My team was always victorious. Kerry and I are an unbeatable combination. He knows all the sports questions, and I know everything else.
Oh yeah, Abby graduated. Way to go, babe.
It's kinda obscured by the trees, but there is a quite fun jet ski down at the dock. Also, there is a Tom and an Emily Bessman hangin out. I had my first jetski experience over the weekend. The water was a little choppy, Abby almost flew off the back a few times. I'm glad she didn't though, I would miss her. The second time I went out was with Emily. Tom had mentioned some boys, so obviously Emily and I had to investigate. We were disappointed to find that what Pa Bessman had called "boys" were actually "balding middle-aged men and their wives."
Lake, from a different angle. Pretty pretty. That water is deathly cold, by the way. One day Abby and I were sitting on the dock with our feet hanging off. After a while the sun beating down made us quite warm. So we decided it was a good idea to get in the water. It wasn't. The first four inches were actually an enjoyable temperature. After that, however, it was like ice. My chest hurt and my arms went numb.
The view out the front door. You can see Van Meter's legs through the flowers and the top of Kerry's head over by his car. His car has a fresh dent in the hood from a collision with a turkey vulture. I'm pretty sure I've never seen as many animals in the road in such a short time span. It was insane. On our way out to the lake house for the first time we passed a turtle in the road. Around the next curve we passed some pheasants. Then as we turned on to the hill, there was a deer in the road! I was getting nervous; at the rate the animals were progressing, we were sure to run into a bear next.
Flowers. Pretty.
Front of the house.
Quite possibly the worst picture of me and Abby. Abby doesn't actually look that bad, I however, look terrible.
Lovely view of the lake off the veranda. That damn tree kinda blocks the view, though.
The ladies' bedroom. And by "ladies" I mean Emily, Abby, and myself. We're very ladylike, I assure you. No one slept on the top bunk. Doing so would have resulted in certain death.
Em and I slept here.
Living room. Many a trivia battle was waged in this space. My team was always victorious. Kerry and I are an unbeatable combination. He knows all the sports questions, and I know everything else.
Oh yeah, Abby graduated. Way to go, babe.
It's kinda obscured by the trees, but there is a quite fun jet ski down at the dock. Also, there is a Tom and an Emily Bessman hangin out. I had my first jetski experience over the weekend. The water was a little choppy, Abby almost flew off the back a few times. I'm glad she didn't though, I would miss her. The second time I went out was with Emily. Tom had mentioned some boys, so obviously Emily and I had to investigate. We were disappointed to find that what Pa Bessman had called "boys" were actually "balding middle-aged men and their wives."
Lake, from a different angle. Pretty pretty. That water is deathly cold, by the way. One day Abby and I were sitting on the dock with our feet hanging off. After a while the sun beating down made us quite warm. So we decided it was a good idea to get in the water. It wasn't. The first four inches were actually an enjoyable temperature. After that, however, it was like ice. My chest hurt and my arms went numb.
The view out the front door. You can see Van Meter's legs through the flowers and the top of Kerry's head over by his car. His car has a fresh dent in the hood from a collision with a turkey vulture. I'm pretty sure I've never seen as many animals in the road in such a short time span. It was insane. On our way out to the lake house for the first time we passed a turtle in the road. Around the next curve we passed some pheasants. Then as we turned on to the hill, there was a deer in the road! I was getting nervous; at the rate the animals were progressing, we were sure to run into a bear next.
Flowers. Pretty.
Front of the house.
Quite possibly the worst picture of me and Abby. Abby doesn't actually look that bad, I however, look terrible. So, moral of the story, it was a great vacation.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Four Days 'Til SoCar!
I'm very much looking forward to my upcoming trip to South Carolina, and my horoscope today wanted to let me know that it's going to be awesome, because I'm awesome.
Get as involved as you can in upcoming social activities -- as much as your schedule allows. Your charming personality plays a very valued role in your circle of friends, and things are just not the same when you are not around. They miss you and your funny remarks and want to find out what's been going on in your life. And you could use a dose of that wonderful, intense positive energy that hanging out with your favorite people always brings to your life.
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