Thursday, August 31, 2006

...I know.

I love General Hospital. There's nothing wrong with a little soap opera love, right? I mean, I lead a really boring life. Aside from the occasional concert awesomeness, nothing interesting ever happens to me. But, see, there's always something interesting happening on a soap. Always. Erica has been a fan of the GH for quite some time now, and she got me hooked last year when we were living in the dorm. I've been watching regularly ever since, but Erica is currently boycotting because Sam slept with Ric (her step-father). ...I know. But Sam is one of my favorite characters so I'm hoping that everything works out for her and Jason. Ric can jump off a bridge for all I care. My other favorite characters are Lulu and Dillon. They recently had a one night stand (actually, it seems like it was ages ago, but I digress. It also may have been more than one night, but I don't really remember) and Lulu ended up pregnant. Did I mention that Dillon is Lulu's stepbrother? ...I know. But I don't really acknowledge the fact that Lulu's dad is actually married to Dillon's mom, because, well, they're never together, and if they are together, they're never happy. Lots of fighting.

Anyway, here is a conversation from earlier today when I was watching the tape of yesterday's episode. Note my constant misspelling of "Dillon" and "Quartermaine."

Miranda: oh lulu and dylan are about to have a "my body"/"my baby" throw down.
Erica: OH BAJEESUS. There might be boxing.
Miranda: i think so. dylan definitely seems like the type to beat up a pregnant girl. although, honestly, i think lulu could take him.
Erica: i think she could too. i have a feeling he might turn and flee if she pulled his hair.
Miranda: yeah. lulu's hardcore. she'll fight dirty.
Erica: she'l kick him in the nards. totally.
Miranda: yeah. it's definitely gonna happen.
Erica: totally.
Miranda: i really don't like maxie. i'm gonna slap a bitch. she keeps trying to break up lucky and liz. i'm not happy 'bout this.
Erica: she's a ho. most def.
Miranda: she's evil. and she has a stupid name.
Erica: she does. she should die.
Miranda: yeah! she should catch lung cancer from alexis! i mean... lung cancer is totally a communicable disease. or-- hasn't maxie had a heart transplant? time for her to have another (unsuccessful) transplant. or am i thinking of a different character?
Erica: nope, maxie had a heart transplant when she was younger. think it's too late for her body to reject the organ?
Miranda: no, it's never too late, i say. and i'm a doctor.
Erica: woot. go operation: die maxie die.
Miranda: it's really annoying that grandpa quartermaine (sp?) keeps refering to lulu's baby as "the quartermain heir." it's... creepy.
Erica: he's creeptastic.
Miranda: yeah he is. he's always angry at somebody. it's like they only bring him on to be angry.
Miranda: and dylans mom is also a crazy bitch
Erica: yes. yes she is.
Miranda: Lulu & Dylan are about to start boxing!
Miranda: i thought for a second that lulu had dylan convinced but he's still against the abortion.
Miranda: carly and jax have been having the same argument for like 3 days.
Miranda: it's really dull
Erica: lol. it takes someone like a week to sneeze on a soap opera, so i'm not surprised
Miranda: yeah. i think by the time lulu decides to get the abortion she'll be about 27 months pregnant. like an elephant.
Erica: hot
Miranda: oh yeah. i'm intrigued by this storyline. on one hand i completely understand why she wants an abortion (probably the best idea, all things considered), but on the other hand, they would have an adorable baby!
Erica: they would. it would be witty with fabulous hair.
Erica: they might have ryan reynolds
Miranda: yes. ryan reynolds quartermain.
Erica: yes.
...I know.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Quote Me.

The quote section on my facebook profile was getting a tad out of hand, so I once again I needed to clean it up. So here are the quotes that have been taken off my profile to make way for new hilarity.

Erica: Quit stealing my brain thoughts!!

Erica: It's like beating a dead horse.
Katie: It's beating a hundred and fifty million infinity horses!

[While watching 'Prison Break']
Erica- "I did not hear what I know he just said..."
Me- "What did you hear?"
Erica- "I know he said something like "I should be out seeing my family right now" but I heard "I should be ass-raping my family right now."

"It's a Mother Fucking Walk-Off!!" - Danny V, Project Runway

Mal (on TV): "She'll break atmo..."
Erica: Did ya hear that, she'll break atmo.
Me: You'll break atmo.
Erica: You *are* atmo, and I *will* break you.

"Alright. I'll try a more serious note. You taste like cancer in a bottle." - My sister.

Erica: All I heard was "bananas."
Katie: B-A-N-N-A-N-S?
Me: Um... no.

Me: "So. How's about that sports team of mutual interest?"
Laura: "Tennis?"

(About the "Summertime" song)Erica: Makes you want to hump your cousin.

"Please, please stop talking about Tom Skerrit's old man, wrinkled, mustached, hand-holding, whistling balls!" - Ok, I said it, but Erica started it.

"I'm stuck in the door and I have a handful of vaginas." - Erica

Laura: True or False- They tested Saddam Hussein's DNA to see if it was really him.
Me: True?
Laura: Yeah.
Me: They couldn't just look at him?
Laura: All those overseasians look the same.
Me: All "overseasians?" So someone from Denmark looks the same as someone from China?
Laura: Yeah. They all look like Saddam Hussein.

"People in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones." - Roseanne

"We're triathletes. We run, we bike, we also... do the third thing." - Three To Tango

Me- I could marry Scott. He cooks, he cleans, he also... does the third thing.
Laura- I do the third thing too. I do it really well. I do it naked.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Question: How many ringtones do you really need?

Answer: As many as possible. lets you make your own ringtones using .m4a (iTunes) and .mp3 files. For Free! The only cost is like whatever it costs to send a message to your phone, which is a hell of a lot less than buying ringtones, and you get to choose where the song begins and ends. So far I've made 6 ringtones:

Fight Song! By Joe Firstman ("I threw 100 punches, got this big black eye, I got banned from Indiana, felt like I was gonna die, so I screamed 'rah rah rah rah rah... You should have seen the other guy!'")

The Frug by Rilo Kiley ("And I can hate your girl. I can tell you that she's real pretty. I can take my clothes off. I cannot fall in love. And I can do the frug. I can do the robocop. I can do the Freddie. I cannot do the Smurf. She cannot do the smurf!")

One Line by PJ Harvey ("I'm watching from the wall, as in the streets we fight, this world all gone to war, all I need is you tonight. And I draw a line to your heart today, to your heart from mine, one line to keep us safe.")

Better Son/ Daughter by Rilo Kiley ("And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on and your friends they sing along and they love you. But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap and it teases you for weeks in its absence. But you'll fight and you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to, and you'll show up for work with a smile.")

Portions For Foxes by Rilo Kiley ("I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you, but just being around you offers me another form of relief. When the lonliness leads to bad dreams, and the bad dreams lead me to calling you, and I call you and say C'MERE! And you're bad news...")

Glendora by Rilo Kiley ("It's New Years Eve, I'm in Glendora, I'm the only living person in Glendora. Heading East, on the freeway, I left my prom dress at a bus stop in Duarte. I switch the rules, you take advantage, you know I always like to play the victim. And would you fuck me, 'cause I'd fuck me. Am I your wetnap? Freestyle walkin'. I cry cry cry then I complain come back for more, do it again.")

I should probably stop sometime soon, but I just can't. At this rate I'm going to have more ringtones than phonenumbers in my phone.

Monday, August 21, 2006

"Hit me with your best shot! Dun da-dun!"

Found this, and it basically describes me perfectly.

Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow
rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person
stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on
white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and
dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the
rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler --
god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some
would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

Yeah. That's me. Where's the booze? Put on some Benetar and let's rock this joint!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Why All My Friends Hate Me (part the first)

A friend of mine sent me a simple email today. Here it is:

Hey you!
so i realized that i still haven't sent you your
keys yet. i suck. sorry. and then i realized that i dont have your address
anymore. could you send it to me, please? i'll send your keys soon, i
hope camp was fun. over yet? we finished on Saturday, but i'm
staying for a few days to volunteer and hang out.
This email really didn't require me to write a novel back. If you read the following and think it's not too bad, you must have missed the part where I cut myself off because I realized I was going on a bit.

So yeah. I'm so ready to get out of here. It sucks that I never got a chance to visit. Believe me, I never had time. I think maybe I had one or two weekends where I didn't have any plans and I spent those weekends SLEEPING! Oh, joyous sleep.

So anyway. I hope camp went well for you. I wish I could have worked at Stronghold. Maybe next summer they can finangle a way to make me spending 3 months at Stronghold be my senior internship. Hey, it could happen. Ok, probably not.

So anyway, my address right now is ________Wilmington IL 60481 but I'm going to be at school soon and my address there will be ________ Normal IL 61761. At least I'm pretty sure that's my address. If not, that's where my Entertainment Weeklys (Weeklies?) are being sent, so my keys could hang out with my magazines.

I'm helping teach a pom camp right now and there is one girl that looks like a little mini Amy Curtis and one girl that looks like a little mini Jenny Lewis. It's crazy. I've managed to learn miniJenny's real name (Elena) but I can't remember miniAmy's name. I think it's Kayla. I beg of you right now do not name your child anything resembling the name "Kate." Last week I had a class with 7 girls in it and we had a Kaitlin, a Katie, and a Kaylee and this week we have 2 Katies, a Kate, Kayla and on and on and on. Just stay away from the letter K. It's dangerous.

So I'll leave you now with a very humorous story about a pom camper. So last week we had a group of 7 five year olds. On the last day I bought them chocolate cupcakes. As the last girl came up to get her cupcake she looked at me in a very sad way and asked me:
"Are these cupcakes healthy?"
I didn't know how to respond. I just looked at her and said "... they're chocolate cupcakes."
"But are they healthy?"
Then her mom came up and said "Yes, Delaney, they're very healthy." I played along: "Oh, yeah. It's the sprinkles that make them extra healthy." Her mom told me that apparently she's been on this health food kick for about a year. She's FIVE! I've never met a five year old like that before. I ran into her and her mom the next day at a special event and her mom pointed out that Delaney was eating a "healthy" Blow-Pop. She said that Delaney was so excited that I had brought healthy cupcakes as a treat. Kids are weird.

I have other stories to tell you (and I'm sure you have some for me, unless you actually spent the summer under a rock), but this isn't the time or the place.
I'm awesome.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Work It Like You Don't Have Health Insurance

Be a friend.

Just for the record: I am not a writer for America's Next Top Model. I'm not a writer at all. Or a model. But I love a good cause that doesn't involve saving animals or the environment (both of which I'm trying to destroy).